I grew up in the church and became a Christian at a young age. While I’ve had seasons of wandering away from the church in general, I’ve never wandered from believing in God’s power and presence in my life. I’ve never felt like I had a strong and empowering testimony. Until now.
Last September I joined an intensive study at my church called Becoming a Whole-Hearted Disciple: The Inside-Out Transformational Journey of the Heart. When I started this, I had no idea how deep we would dig, how the people who have walked through this journey alongside me would become so dear, or how God would open my eyes to areas of sin and distrust in my life.
Back in September, I sat in a little loft room and shared my story. The direction we were given for these stories was to share three highs, three lows, and three heroes in our life. After going through a little over six months of study that dug into our modern-day idols, the lies we tell ourselves, and our wounded identities, we turned a corner into good news: our identities in Christ. Now we are sharing our stories with God at the center as the hero.
I’m sure the timing of this was intentional. In light of Easter weekend, the power of my story is made even greater.
This is my story:
God blessed me with a childhood home where God was always at the center. But life with parents in ministry meant I realized at an early age that people were watching. And that’s when I started wearing my mask of meeting others’ expectations.
One that showed the world my life was fine and there were no messes. That I wasn’t falling apart inside or lonely or wrestling with God. Putting on that mask so young and so often made it a large part my identity. I became self-reliant, trying to solve my challenges in my own way instead of asking for help—from both God and others.
My desire to show the world a version of myself that they would approve of discouraged me from developing authentic relationships. Instead of sharing my struggles and sins, I omitted those parts of my life with others. That sense of pride in standing on my own two feet also meant holding God at arms-length or going through the motions of what I’d learned a Christian should do without seeking answers from or crying out to Him in times of struggle and hardship.
Today, the Lord is teaching me to lean on Jesus and the community He has lovingly set around me. It’s a day-to-day, conscious acceptance and acknowledgement that God loves me so much that He’s surrounded me with people who won’t judge me but will walk alongside me. I am trading my want of approval for truth and transparency. To trust my whole heart to people who will point out when they see me put that mask back on. To lean into the Lord’s promises that He will provide—in His time and His way. Because God made me for sincere community.
Does any of my story resonate with you? I’d love to hear your story, too!
My parents weren’t “exactly” in the ministry, but my Dad was the head Deacon of our small country church. Nine weekends out of ten we had the preacher and his family over for Sunday dinner and the entire afternoon until church service that evening!Our preacher would be a student at Ft. Worth’s Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. I wouldn’t take for my childhood and my upbringing! But, being a D.K. Was a lot like being a P.K. when I was a kid in the 1960’s. All eyes were on my sister, brother, and me. One time I kissed the preachers son in their van, and someone immediately told my parents. Of course, we both got in trouble for it, but my defense was, “If I had been doing anything wrong, do you really think I would have done it right in the parking lot by the front doors of the church?” But, I knew I shouldn’t have done that! So, yeah, that resonated with me. But, when I was 15 years old, my Dad lost his job as a design engineer with General Dynamics in Ft. Worth, Tx., where he had worked for about 25 years. We had to move to Oklahoma and leave the one and only school I had ever attended, the only church I had attended since I was about 4 years old, and leave all of my friends behind. I HATED my new town, especially the fact that we didn’t have our 96 acre farm and animals anymore. However, there was one really GREAT thing about that move! The new church was huge. It had a youth ministry and a youth choir. My Dad had bought a computer company when we moved, but he sold it after about a year and went to work at our church, First Baptist, as the Finance Minister. I went to the church every day after school for choir practice, to help on Wednesday nights with the 4-5 year old choir, playing the piano, and going to youth choir practice and having a youth pastor and choir minister that I could just TALK to. So, I was very talkative and I let my feelings out all of the time and I got such great godly advice from these ministers. I am so thankful that God, in His mercy, let us move to our new home, in town, which was about 3 blocks away from my wonderful new church. It was my hiding place. I loved my teachers, but I still hated the new school and the mean kids that attended there. The only friends I had either went to my church, or were newcomers who I would get to know and I would pick them up and TAKE them to my church. Every new girl, became my friend. But, I had always had that policy. Make friends with the new person. They always looked so sad and I always invited them to my house before and after the move. I also met my husband to be the year after we moved. He was from a neighboring town and was working for the painter my parents had hired to paint our huge house that had been built in 1905, before Oklahoma’s statehood! And, I did love my humongous bedroom with lots of sunshine! The Lord has allowed health problems to plague me and I can’t help but question Him, since I’ve ALWAYS worked in the church for Him, playing the piano, always teaching the children’s choirs, always teaching Sunday School, always being church secretary, always singing the specials, always availing myself for funerals to play piano or organ and/or sing. I’ve finally just learned to lean on Him and to glory in my infirmities and to give Him the glory that I am as well as I am and not in worse shape, because I can certainly look around and see people in much worse shape than I. I love Yahweh and I love to tell the story to this day with others. I’ve gotten to go to Africa and be a missionary which is what I felt I was called to do after I got saved. I read Lottie Moon’s story and I just knew that I was to be another Lottie! Then, the Lord let mine and Henry’s paths cross and it was love at first sight for him, but it took me two or three sightings! Lol We’ve been married over 49 years now. We have 3 grown daughters, who are all married and have never divorced, and we have 6 grandchildren, counting 1 who is married to our firstborn granddaughter. God has been so good to us and we just glory in Him every single day! 🙏♥️
Thank you for sharing your story, Lana. I love how God directs our paths even when we don’t see it at the time!